I still remember the moments when I became a mum for the first time. I was wide awake and watching you sleep in your basket. It was night-time, the birth had been exhaustingly long and painstaking, but I was staring at you and adoring you like crazy. I was in total all-consuming euphoria.
I still am today. Sometimes I watch you and you don’t see
me. But I adore you. I adore you in a hundred more ways than when you were
first born; the way you talk, the way you eat, the way you walk, your passions,
your weaknesses, and your strengths.
I know I fail a lot of times. I forget that euphoria and the fact that you once were that little tiny body totally dependent on me. I forget that, even though you grow, you still need me all the same. In a thousand different ways.
I am sorry, I am still trying my best to find my place in this thing called motherhood and wifehood, and yet still find time for my passions and for me. Sometimes balance goes out of place.
I remember how you were worried after your brother was born. I thought, How could you? How could you ever think my love for you is finite? We went through some tough times. Oh boy, how many times I failed. I can find so many excuses: lack of my tribe, lack of support from my partner, baby blues, guilt, shame, you name it… But there are no excuses. I am sorry, I was a mess by choice.
But I’m glad I was a mess, as paradoxical as that sounds. I got to work on myself. I got to believe in myself, not any outside forces. I got to know NEVER ever to make any excuses because I am enough. Enough as I am. I have to let some things go, rearrange, grow myself, but I believe I am capable
I decided to be better by choice and to stop looking for excuses to stay the same. Even if I fail, I know I am trying. I know I am growing.
We both grew. We both understand that we are enough as we are now. At this moment. We still try to navigate our own path but are much more in tune.
I know you are watching me. Some say that they do this or that for their children, as they feel their kids are watching them. No, you have to do it for yourself, because you believe in it. I want to be your example, but I want you to be you and to follow your unique path. A unique way of tackling things.
I am here with you, by your side, watching you as you grow with your two brothers, and I am in awe. In awe, not only to get to know you all, but for you to get to know me, the person I never thought existed.
There was a time when all I thought of was
I love you. And thank you for everything you have given me – I could never have gained it, except through you.